The truth is that I am having a hard time. Not only with trying to be gentle with others but more especially with being gentle to myself. I am not saying I dislike myself in anyway...in fact, let's face it, I am pretty dang awesome (tell your nice single male friends!!). Unfortunately, awesomeness comes at a price; A huge price of all the time and energy I can generally muster on any given day. The worst part is that I want to do all the wonderful things that I am setting out to do, but at the same time I have been telling myself to take a break and relax. I feel torn between the feeling of laziness and underachievement when I try to give myself a day, or even a few hours off. I just don't know what to do with myself and if it is okay to let the to-do list sit undone. If you know me, you likely know this is darn near impossible for me.
Sadly, RIGHT NOW, in this moment, I am struggling to be a good friend, stellar academic, and caring family member--not to mention just an approachable human being. I feel like my life is divided into so many pieces and I am playing so many roles that I cannot be fantastic at anything I am doing. I am not sure the exact problem: whether I am being too lax with myself and letting things slide, or if I feel so overwhelmed I don't know where to start. Either way, I need a game plan to make a change.
I was hoping as I wrote down my feelings tonight of inadequacy in this challenge I could be a little more honest about the root of this wicked problem. My guess is these feelings stem a lot from the world that we live in. I see my friends travels, families, and accomplishments plastered throughout my social media feeds and I feel like I must do the most with what I have been given. In my current circumstances, I have little money for travel and I have yet to meet my dreamboat and produce any gorgeous and genius spawn of my own to brag about, and so I have focused on the latter of the three. I feel best when I have accomplished a task whether it be in one of my hobbies of quilting, sewing, or knitting or if I have a new success in school or work life. I guess I feel a sense of achievement when I have 35 "likes" on my Facebook announcement for a new book or article and it seems to momentarily validate me and I briefly feel like my life is not stagnant. I love school and working, so please don't get the wrong impression...but I want more. I feel a pressing emptiness in my life for a family of my own and someone to truly share in my triumphs and more commonly, my failures. The problem is, I don't know how to get out of this rut. I don't know how to feel satisfied with my life all the time. I don't even know where to find a kind man to set my heart on. So, I suppose that is why I feel so stuck and lost and somewhat down-trodden.
I feel a lot like Sisyphus from ancient mythology, eternally rolling a boulder uphill only to watch it roll back down and retrieve it, but in my case, it is usually my heart and it has a tendency for falling off of cliffs. I have wonderful and encouraging friends and family but that does not change the pace of my life and the repetition I feel as I half-heartedly ask another guy what his story is and to tell me his dreams and aspirations---perhaps you know where these stories end? In my case, over the past couple of years they have ended in the dreamy man telling me about his girlfriend or wife in some cases or more commonly, explaining his disinterest in dating. It is hard to be gentle sometimes with rejection staring me down, screaming my inadequacies in harsh tones. What is harder, is the follow-up relationship dissection, where I usually hear what I did wrong in all of it. Sisyphus tumbles down the hill after her heart each time, only to pick it up and begin the long trek again.
So, now that I have adequately complained about my situation, the question lingers...What is there to do? How can learning gentleness end my suffering and place me on a path where I can find the answers I so desperately seek?
I started my journey a few weeks ago and have still not mastered the art of kind words about others. As I was reading in James 3 this week, I found a lesson that perhaps can be applied and seems to have promises that I seek. The whole chapter is about governing the tongue and how the small muscle, like a ship's helm, can improve management of our person. The simple truths of this chapter spoke to me about the importance of not offending others through our words (v.2) and how such a simple action can change the course of our lives. Additionally, another lesson stood out to me in Verse 5 about how our tongues boast great things--much like I was saying above regarding my accomplishments but that we reap few blessings from tooting our own horns. There is much to say about learning to be more humble in person and online.
So, in an effort to find joy and gentleness, I will continue with my goal of speaking no ill of others and knowing that will be a great space to fill, I hope to spread joy and happiness by speaking well of others, giving an abundance of compliments, and taking more time to speak to the Lord. James promises that as we bridle our tongues, that wisdom will descend from the Lord and that I might have the fruit of righteousness and peace (v. 17-18). I really hope these things come true as I try to find greater meaning in my life by seeking out gentleness through gentler words and actions.
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