GRAND.

This past week I traveled to see the beauty and majesty of the Grand Canyon with 3 acquaintances of mine. I came away with a friend for life. Sadly, only one and I am really mad about it. I despise confrontation but I also severely dislike being told what to do which led to some discord this past week.  I am frustrated because I really needed the vacation from school and life in a big way. I wanted to sit at the edge of the vast Grand Canyon and ponder life and all its promises. I wanted to drive toward the sunshine and sing my heart out, play games, laugh until my stomach ached and just have fun. Some of these things happened but all of them were overshadowed by the rest of the trip. The more I think about it, the more angry I get.

This purge is one of catharsis so I can smile a real smile at the person who changed the tambour of my vacation and be done with the angry feelings. There was nothing major that "ruined" things per se, just a lot of small issues that tipped my scale. I would like to blame a large portion of my bad blood on the lack of sleep, hunger, and an edge from my sore achy foot. I can be accountable for all of those feelings.

Eat your words

This semester has been a struggle, to say the least. I feel cut off from the world and inexplicably unhappy. The people around me have been telling me this is because I have too high of expectations of myself--this might be right but I can see other reasons. One thing I dislike is not being able to meet everyone's expectations of me which often translates into disappointment in myself, even if others know nothing of it. 

The thing is, I always preach to others "if you don't like your life, change it." Right now I am eating those words because there are things I dislike about my life right now and I am wondering if they are things I can overcome or I need to move away from. This has been my mental struggle all semester. I hate quitting. I hate feeling defeated by something when I know there are things so much bigger I have overcome. I despise feeling like a failure and especially getting that look from others that you are not meeting their expectations. All of these things bring me undeniable feelings of panic and frustration BUT I know that something has to change. I don't know if it is something as simple as my attitude about life or my sleep schedule or if I need to make some major life choices but something inevitably is going to have to change or I might not make it. Perseverance can only go so far when you feel that you are continually pressing forward alone, without reprieve. Hopefully, as the pressure valve is loosened over the next few weeks and the summer emerges from this snow-laden winter I will find what I am looking for and the tenacity to journey on and hope on for something better. 

I'm just hoping to find a little bit of happy that is not so fleeting.