GRAND.

This past week I traveled to see the beauty and majesty of the Grand Canyon with 3 acquaintances of mine. I came away with a friend for life. Sadly, only one and I am really mad about it. I despise confrontation but I also severely dislike being told what to do which led to some discord this past week.  I am frustrated because I really needed the vacation from school and life in a big way. I wanted to sit at the edge of the vast Grand Canyon and ponder life and all its promises. I wanted to drive toward the sunshine and sing my heart out, play games, laugh until my stomach ached and just have fun. Some of these things happened but all of them were overshadowed by the rest of the trip. The more I think about it, the more angry I get.

This purge is one of catharsis so I can smile a real smile at the person who changed the tambour of my vacation and be done with the angry feelings. There was nothing major that "ruined" things per se, just a lot of small issues that tipped my scale. I would like to blame a large portion of my bad blood on the lack of sleep, hunger, and an edge from my sore achy foot. I can be accountable for all of those feelings.

Eat your words

This semester has been a struggle, to say the least. I feel cut off from the world and inexplicably unhappy. The people around me have been telling me this is because I have too high of expectations of myself--this might be right but I can see other reasons. One thing I dislike is not being able to meet everyone's expectations of me which often translates into disappointment in myself, even if others know nothing of it. 

The thing is, I always preach to others "if you don't like your life, change it." Right now I am eating those words because there are things I dislike about my life right now and I am wondering if they are things I can overcome or I need to move away from. This has been my mental struggle all semester. I hate quitting. I hate feeling defeated by something when I know there are things so much bigger I have overcome. I despise feeling like a failure and especially getting that look from others that you are not meeting their expectations. All of these things bring me undeniable feelings of panic and frustration BUT I know that something has to change. I don't know if it is something as simple as my attitude about life or my sleep schedule or if I need to make some major life choices but something inevitably is going to have to change or I might not make it. Perseverance can only go so far when you feel that you are continually pressing forward alone, without reprieve. Hopefully, as the pressure valve is loosened over the next few weeks and the summer emerges from this snow-laden winter I will find what I am looking for and the tenacity to journey on and hope on for something better. 

I'm just hoping to find a little bit of happy that is not so fleeting. 

Tender Mercies

I got this sweet text that made me feel a little better about things. Tender mercies. 

Even when we haven't gotten along or been close I have always felt your impact and influence on my life. I have always admired and aspired to be more like you. You have influenced my life in more ways than you can ever imagine. 

I guess we always get what we need to keep us moving forward. 

Please, let me explain myself.

     The truth is that I am having a hard time. Not only with trying to be gentle with others but more especially with being gentle to myself. I am not saying I dislike myself in anyway...in fact, let's face it, I am pretty dang awesome (tell your nice single male friends!!). Unfortunately, awesomeness comes at a price; A huge price of all the time and energy I can generally muster on any given day. The worst part is that I want to do all the wonderful things that I am setting out to do, but at the same time I have been telling myself to take a break and relax. I feel torn between the feeling of laziness and underachievement when I try to give myself a day, or even a few hours off. I just don't know what to do with myself and if it is okay to let the to-do list sit undone. If you know me, you likely know this is darn near impossible for me.
     Sadly, RIGHT NOW, in this moment, I am struggling to be a good friend, stellar academic, and caring family member--not to mention just an approachable human being. I feel like my life is divided into so many pieces and I am playing so many roles that I cannot be fantastic at anything I am doing. I am not sure the exact problem: whether I am being too lax with myself and letting things slide, or if I feel so overwhelmed I don't know where to start. Either way, I need a game plan to make a change.
I was hoping as I wrote down my feelings tonight of inadequacy in this challenge I could be a little more honest about the root of this wicked problem. My guess is these feelings stem a lot from the world that we live in. I see my friends travels, families, and accomplishments plastered throughout my social media feeds and I feel like I must do the most with what I have been given. In my current circumstances, I have little money for travel and I have yet to meet my dreamboat and produce any gorgeous and genius spawn of my own to brag about, and so I have focused on the latter of the three. I feel best when I have accomplished a task whether it be in one of my hobbies of quilting, sewing, or knitting or if I have a new success in school or work life. I guess I feel a sense of achievement when I have 35 "likes" on my Facebook announcement for a new book or article and it seems to momentarily validate me and I briefly feel like my life is not stagnant. I love school and working, so please don't get the wrong impression...but I want more. I feel a pressing emptiness in my life for a family of my own and someone to truly share in my triumphs and more commonly, my failures. The problem is, I don't know how to get out of this rut. I don't know how to feel satisfied with my life all the time. I don't even know where to find a kind man to set my heart on. So, I suppose that is why I feel so stuck and lost and somewhat down-trodden.
     I feel a lot like Sisyphus from ancient mythology, eternally rolling a boulder uphill only to watch it roll back down and retrieve it, but in my case, it is usually my heart and it has a tendency for falling off of cliffs. I have wonderful and encouraging friends and family but that does not change the pace of my life and the repetition I feel as I half-heartedly ask another guy what his story is and to tell me his dreams and aspirations---perhaps you know where these stories end? In my case, over the past couple of years they have ended in the dreamy man telling me about his girlfriend or wife in some cases or more commonly, explaining his disinterest in dating. It is hard to be gentle sometimes with rejection staring me down, screaming my inadequacies in harsh tones. What is harder, is the follow-up relationship dissection, where I usually hear what I did wrong in all of it. Sisyphus tumbles down the hill after her heart each time, only to pick it up and begin the long trek again.
So, now that I have adequately complained about my situation, the question lingers...What is there to do? How can learning gentleness end my suffering and place me on a path where I can find the answers I so desperately seek?
     I started my journey a few weeks ago and have still not mastered the art of kind words about others. As I was reading in James 3 this week, I found a lesson that perhaps can be applied and seems to have promises that I seek. The whole chapter is about governing the tongue and how the small muscle, like a ship's helm, can improve management of our person. The simple truths of this chapter spoke to me about the importance of not offending others through our words (v.2) and how such a simple action can change the course of our lives. Additionally, another lesson stood out to me in Verse 5 about how our tongues boast great things--much like I was saying above regarding my accomplishments but that we reap few blessings from tooting our own horns. There is much to say about learning to be more humble in person and online.
     So, in an effort to find joy and gentleness, I will continue with my goal of speaking no ill of others and knowing that will be a great space to fill, I hope to spread joy and happiness by speaking well of others, giving an abundance of compliments, and taking more time to speak to the Lord. James promises that as we bridle our tongues, that wisdom will descend from the Lord and that I might have the fruit of righteousness and peace (v. 17-18). I really hope these things come true as I try to find greater meaning in my life by seeking out gentleness through gentler words and actions.

Remember

Sometimes it is better to be kind than to be right. We do not need an INTELLIGENT MIND that speaks but a PATIENT HEART that listens. 

To be gentle.

This is the first post of my journey on the way to gentleness. I would not say that the world has made me hard, but I find it difficult sometimes to see the good in people and situations. The last few months have been especially trying with another move under my belt, seeking yet again for a step to fulfill my own ambition. Being away from my family has made me really look inward (i.e. become a selfish girl) and being busy seems to limit my opportunities to do good. I am hoping this journey will change me in ways that typical resolutions for losing weight, having more self-discipline, and running a marathon could not even dream. 

Over the last week I have used a good amount of brainpower on trying to decide what this new year could bring for me. It took a discussion with my super-duper, wise sister to see perhaps looking outward would be the best type of resolution. As I was thinking about characteristics I would like to have I listed hope, charity, gratitude, endurance, listening, kindness, etc; however, once I found gentleness, I could hardly get it out of my head. Gentleness could really cover a lot of the ground I was hoping to cover. I realized perhaps I did not need more discipline in my life, but by being more gentle on myself, I could accomplish as much with less stress. Also, by being more gentle towards others I could recognize their good qualities, be more forgiving, and find joy in the small things. In a nutshell, gentleness might be lowering my expectations a bit by seeing the world through a different lens. 

I looked up the definition of gentle to find as an adjective it means "mild in temperament or behavior; kind or tender." These are three things I truly desire to be but I feel I have a long way to go. Additionally, the verb is defined "to make or become gentle; calm or pacify." When I slow down and look around me, I see a need in the world for these characteristics; in my friends, family, and even students. The great thing is, with a little help, I can meet some of those needs by becoming more gentle. 

Everyone knows I love a good synonym...so without further ado: soft-mild-tender-kind-meek-noble-tame. I will probably talk more about these qualities in the weeks to come and share my stories, both good and bad. 

So, GOAL #1 this week? Get rid of the word "HATE." One of my favorite phrases last semester was

 "I hate you; but really I love you." 

What a mixed message? In an effort to get this goal on the road, I intend on only saying good things about other people. 

Therefore, this is the end of gossip, hate, and backbiting. HOLD ME TO IT!